So, today, as I have not paid my school fees, I was outside class, in the school's compound, with the receptionists, telling me I couldn't go in my class. I unarguably had a seat. My friend, Seyi Olowoyo, had gotten to school before me. She was supposed to meet with a lecturer, but wasn't allowed to,until Damilola came.
Before Damilola came, I felt alive. I was supper thrilled, as I was last week, jumping from one talk to another. I began. Seyi grabbed her camera, and began to video, stating that "Seun, I will make money from you o! All your madness must not go in vain. YouTube must pay me." I laughed out loud, tears almost dropping exhilaratingly from my eyes. It was fantastic! People laughed. My school colleagues watched. Some, smiling while being contempted, some frowning in anger, while others laughed genuinely. I enjoyed the feeling, that moment.
I eventually settled in a seat. People talking. Receptionists still surprised at how agile I could have been, even without having paid my fees. I am close and friendly to one of the receptionists. We laughed at everything I said, including my sexuality. It's not a big deal. Then she started talking so silently, that even, flies could barely hear, to the other receptionist, making my sexuality a subject matter, I am sure, as I eavesdropped, even though her voice was slight and tender. As I heard, I got up, I picked up my DIVA ego, and said to her "Hey, Darling. My husband will be fine. We'll be getting married in five years, and our 2 children, Black and White American will come after five years of marriage." She laughed. Everybody laughed. Then she said "Not in Nigeria here." I replied her, "Of course, who would?" Then Seyi, one of my best friends, said in Yoruba "You will soon die," probably almost in a serious way. "If I die, I don't care. As much as I am concerned, I have a death wish. I have been fantasising about my death. I don't want to die through jungle justice. I just want a peaceful shot of the gun through my body," I said to her. She exclaimed, while everyone laughed.
Osas, a school colleague, was with us. He was laughing, too, then he began "you no fit say you be gay for public. I sure die. They go lynch you. Come my street, na two slap dem go use welcome you. They go beat you and stone you till God receive you for heaven." I laughed. I immediately said "I don't want to die that way. "Go National T.V go broadcast am. Na one guy they beat for Unilag that time, almost to death, wey run away," he stated. I instantly knew who he was trying to say. I said "Oh! Bisi Alimi?" "Yes, that guy. He for Don die." he returned. "He's doing fine now, and will be getting married by the end of this year. He was even in Nigeria lately. He came safe, and he left as he came, even happier." I said laughing to him. He looked at me with a frown rising through his body to his face and said "na him sabi. Why he no let people know?" I shook my head. I felt sad and sorry.
As everything ended, I said "a lot of gay people are around, hiding themselves. They can't come out. They even hate out people more. So terrible. Although, I am not out to my family yet." I never expected a response, but Osas asked, more responsibly, "why haven't you?" I turned to him and said "It's not the right time. They'll know." I felt no regret. I was relieved.
Homophobia is lurking. It is everywhere you go, like MTN network. We all have to learn and play safe. Insecurity is not a good thing. The truth is, I am more afraid of my life now that I am out in college. If I had known that I would have to carry more responsibilities and taunt and torment each day of school, I would have kept myself in the shell, and continued to live the fakest, hidden life.
If it is not at your comfort to come out, hold. Be careful, and play safe. It is not easy. I hope one day, if I didn't die before then, I will live happily in diaspora.
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