Dear Journal,
It's been two years now that I have been carrying the ache of love. In these two years, I have seen facades of whom I love, even though I can't approach him to say, "Hi. I'd love to be your boy-lover." It is not something I am afraid of saying, but I had put into consideration that, this person is straight, and straight by principles.
In very late 2014 was my first clash with him. Then, it was orientation week at my new school, of which I will be an alumni in 5 days time. The first day I saw him, my jaws dropped! I had never seen such cutey in my entire life. I didn't approach him to say "Hi," I just admired from afar.
Weeks later, after three weeks of holiday, after the orientation programme, I returned back to school, now with the intention of housing in the school's hostel, of which I left very early last year, after some health complications. While as a resident there, I made good friendship contact with this guy. I was inquisitive extraordinarily, wishing to know who he was, the kind of heart he had, the kind of principles that he aligned and showcased in his daily endeavours. I fell in love with everything about him. I made him my best friend and confidant. I let him know things nobody would. I gave him a benefit of doubt, but stunningly, I ended up understanding his flaws and perfection. Although he tries to be a little introvert and rock-hearted.
While I lived in the hostel, we were room mates. We slept on different beds, but I made sure it was always beside him. Most times, he entered the room late, and I got bothered why he had to stay in other people's room for so long. At times, I pretended I was outside, at the balcony, for cool, natural air. But nay, I was loitering and holding on till he came up.
I loved when I talked to him. I loved it when I talked about my sexuality with him, and he tried to dust me out of the realm. We've sat and stood by staircases , discussing what a future held for us, the talents we had, our goods and bads, the people we sheltered with and so on.
I have had him in heart since 2014. I had wanted all my life together with him. I had dreamed him as my Honey, the one whom I would throw hugs at when I needed to be warm. The one whose lips would cure my imagination of who thinks what. The one whose advises and playfulness would keep me on track and stronger than the strongest. The one whom I'd like to pour my heart to, and whom I'd stop what everybody wished I stopped, for.
It is not sad that he is straight to blindness, seeing no love or compassion from a man towards him. I think I understand the fact that he holds love for everyone, but with an exception. Not me, nor you. He knows who it is.
My persistent pain, wailing over the thing that is worth me, but can never be mine? Feeling pains that I won't ever have him as the Sun of my mornings?
It is intriguing when this person has striven to understand you way past his knowledge. That this person had gone deep into research to bringing you back to "normal", like I had any dysfunctionality. This person is my world, and my world with him will end in 5days. This upcoming 5days, especially the fifth day, tears are ready to wave over my face. Tears are ready to play to my beat, and flow swifter than the ocean would, in its space.
My lovely Journal, I have missed you, and this is all I have for you. This is the piece that I am giving to you, to help me amend my fallen heart.
