Imaginary Future with Jayden

Dear Jaden,

I feel you. I love you. I'd love to keep a relationship with you, even to marriage. You speak me more than I do. You distantly portray what I look like inside. It is so sweet.
If there could be a merge, I'd so entirely appreciate it. It won't be for pain, but for real blessing of attainment.

 I remember those days of Karate Kid, when you took me to fight, and you lost, and I flushed in shame. Those days when you were trying hard to become physically more powerful, that you went through a lot of burning times. I remember those scars and broken legs that made you strong. You were great!
 Recently, your innocence is mine. I've got nothing to lose. Your gender-fluidity is mine physically, but yours in both. I identify as you identify, but physically. And that's a pleasant joy.
 I want to reach Never say Never. As I sat to listen to you record. I felt a string that pulled through my system. I said, "Jaden, we are strong. We are hopeful at teenage."
  I love you Jaden. Give me love. It's yours to know me, and mine to love you. I just fantasised and figure it out that there's hope, after all.

My Extortion Experience: internal and external

Something that goes on well within Nigerian folks is extortion! They are quick to extort on different basis. They lie to set you up, and then, threaten you till they get you forcefully compensating them.
 It is now based on the current incident in my house. But before I report, I would swiftly like to share with you an external extortion I experienced.
 It happened sometime last year, after all my bragging of not having anything to do with 2go. I was convinced by my younger sister to have another account. I opened this account, and on the day, I met this guy. His profile picture was fantastic, against what he naturally looked like. We chatted throughout the night, he had my BlackBerry pin, and then we made an agreement of meeting the next day.
 We met the next day. Before he came through, he delayed, as he was surveying me. I began to wander. I wandered for about an hour. During this time, I was chatting with Waheed. Waheed is my Facebook friend, and I have him on BBM. I was chatting with him, asking him why he's on costume, with friends. It was obviously a festivity in Australia, which I thought was Halloween.
   As I stood and logged around, I was in fear. I didn't want anyone to come to mess me up because I was loitering. The Lord forsaken animal turned up eventually, after all the stress. He came in with good regard, "Hey. Sorry I kept you waiting. I was trying to get things done." I thoughtlessly replied, "it's not any problem. How are you?" From there, personal introduction began. We didn't stand at a spot. No, we didn't! The wander I had been wandering continued. He took me pass places I won't recognise when heading back. He told me were on our way to his aunt's house, and it is just a ston-throw from were we were. I said okay, exhilaratingly.
 We continued to walk pass stone-throw. It was already becoming journey to Canada by legs, from Nigeria. I had two phones then. The one I had been using, and the one I had just been given, which I was supposed to drop one two days after this occurencence. I stopped to check what the time was. It was some minutes before 2, since after 10. I told him I was running out of time, that we had do what we had to. He said, "Okay. Is that your phone? It's fine." "Oh, yes. It's mine. Thank you. I was given just yesterday." I was flushed in honour, but I never knew he doesn't deserve it a drop.
 Then he asked, "can I see it?" I didn't think twice, I just handed it over. And then he checked, and then clasped it in his left hand, as we walked. He suddenly stopped walking at about 3minutes time, and asked, "could we talk?" I said yes. We stood by the road, on a pavement. He asked, "what if I said I am not gay?" I looked around, shaking, to be sure if he was talking to me. I said, "it's no problem. How can I leave this place? And can I have my phone? " He looked at me and smiled. He said, "you are tamed. And you aren't going anywhere. There's a military zone around, and I will take you there, if you don't cooperate. Although, I like you. Why are you gay? Don't you know it is against God?" I laughed with less courage. I said to him, "do you know how I feel? I am utterly against gay people who persistently have sex. They are prone to death. I have lost friends. I have cried, and you are here to set me up? So sad!" He looked at me. I talked sense into him. I continued, "listen, I am not afraid to die. People know me for this. You want to shout? You want to take me to your friends at the military zone? Fine! I am ready. But let me have my phone. I'd like to call my parents. " He asked me who my parents were, and I told him not to worry about them. I scared him! He told me if I wanted my phone back, I will have to transport him. fortunately for him, I had #100, which I gave out to benevolently. My phone was returned, and he showed me the way back to my destination.
 Further to this year, after my parents found out that I am gay, my phone was later returned sometime last week, my brother has been threatening me. He collects my phone, and asks me to bail it out. He won't and can't be questioned. He has bestowed authority by my parents. I have spoken to Damilola about this, and she told me to employ perseverance, which I have been doing.
 I need a better life of security. Thanks for viewing. This is my experience.

I Pretend

It is not the fear of being who I am, but the interest in not getting asked questions pertaining my mood. I feign happiness, and I am proud to let you know. I am sanguine outside, and melancholic inside. The truth is I am two-phased. And it is a feeling of delight and serene on its own.
I pretend because I have to. It is not that I wouldn't like to share my feelings with nobody, it is only restraint of multi-people in my life.
I pretend to the extent that I make you believe my happiness. How would you tell me to forget the turmoil of the brain that was caused by people? How do you expect me to be fully cheery after all the exposure? You must be toying.
Pretence is a shield for me. It has tuned me to be a coin of two sides. I try as much to love so as to forget what I heal inside, but love is not working. I pretend.

Twenty Years and Flashback

Hey, guys. It's been quite an age I did an article. The reason is because I have been under serious pressure, as my parents found out that I am gay. It has been so difficult for me. So many things are running through my blood now, and I feel more febrile and shaken than ever. I smell more violence and pain. But, however, I am not here to give the story of how they found out, as it would be inconsequential to serve unfinished food.
 Today is my birthday. I am 20 years today, and I'd like to get the heart of people for better connection and understanding on it. I had once told the story of how I grew, painful. And, yet, I will be doing a better version below. Do not stop reading. It is just as near as the next paragraph.

 I anticipate a lot of compliments today. But I don't think it is worth it. How on earth would you congratulate a man whose freedom has been long hung? How would you congratulate a man whose joy has never lasted a whole day? How would you compliment a man that goes through what is so inhuman, and expect him to nod like everything is fine? Now, it is not about the incident that lately happened, but for those which I had grown dealing with.
   Would anyone have believed if I told them all my Birthdays so far had been the worst days of my life? Would anyone believe if I said I have never in my life experience the sweetness of Birthdays? Would anyone think I am lying if I said  to hell on earth? I am sad, and I have been.
 My mother always said; "your birthdays come ill luckily. You do not just have this blessing around you. Your birthdays come and go just ordinary. I don't understand." I am grieved.
 Would it not have been beautiful if anyone ever identifies with what I go through? The pain, tears, heartbreak? I am being mentally disturbed. I frequently talk to myself, hoping the life I wanted was here. It is not helping. Everything smells suicide.
 I am just 20, and if I align my obstacles while growing, till now, you wouldn't believe. Have you ever been told that you will be killed for being yourself? Have your parents ever called you unfortunate and bastard child because you do not just see what they see wrong in you? Have you ever been extorted. Have you been roped naked and beaten with hose, four-mouthed whip, and belt at the same time because some people wanted you to be masculine? Have you been planked by policemen in the public because you are trying to help a victim, and you are girly? Have you suffered broken lips and eyes because you simply rested your legs on a fellow man? Has Amanda ever broadcasted you like she's done to me, calling all sorts of names, including ugly fag? Has Amanda ever disgraced you in a place as public as a school compound, tearing your clothes, and shouting "see this ugly gay o!"? Has Osas ever told you how lucky you are to not try nonsense with men like him? Has a soldier ever attacked you because you wanted everyone to know you are around? Have you ever risked telling a straight man you love him? Have you ever been deprived and taken differently? Have your friends ever slapped you and say they right because you are girly? Have you ever thought of coming out because you feel what your brother feels is sheer hatred, and you needed to come out for more awareness? Have you ever suffered an injury at the back of your leg for a month and a half, because you are gay? Suffering a deep cut that bled for two days on your temple/forehead because you have to conforn? Has your mother ever told your brother's girlfriend that you are gay? Have you attended weddings with your parents with the sole reason to change your orientation? Have you cried blood to God that you didn't want to be gay? Have you ever attempted suicide trice like I did, and was caught and whipped for trying such? Has your phone ever been seized by your parents and elder brother? Has your mother ever told your younger siblings never to be like you? Have you failed so much like I did in my Junior school to Senior school 1? Have you been attacked by friends, assuring you that they'd stab you if they found out you are what they supposed? Have your gay peeps ever shown hate at you? Have you turned insomnia because you have to help your mum sell at her bar all day through night long? It is sad! I am bittered! I vigorously damaged! This are few things that I could remember I had gone through. Now, this is another fulfilling year. I don't want to be negative, but I have to be. What will be will. Another prospect year, filled with ambiguous understanding. Filled with expected anxiety. How do I have to live? When will I live free? When? I am tortured. I have lost my virtue and my conquest as a gay man. My pride is deprived. I am mentally alone. I don't want my end now, at 20.
 This is the piece I've got. I wish myself a happy birthday. I hope things get better.