Hey, guys. It's been quite an age I did an article. The reason is because I have been under serious pressure, as my parents found out that I am gay. It has been so difficult for me. So many things are running through my blood now, and I feel more febrile and shaken than ever. I smell more violence and pain. But, however, I am not here to give the story of how they found out, as it would be inconsequential to serve unfinished food.
Today is my birthday. I am 20 years today, and I'd like to get the heart of people for better connection and understanding on it. I had once told the story of how I grew, painful. And, yet, I will be doing a better version below. Do not stop reading. It is just as near as the next paragraph.
I anticipate a lot of compliments today. But I don't think it is worth it. How on earth would you congratulate a man whose freedom has been long hung? How would you congratulate a man whose joy has never lasted a whole day? How would you compliment a man that goes through what is so inhuman, and expect him to nod like everything is fine? Now, it is not about the incident that lately happened, but for those which I had grown dealing with.
Would anyone have believed if I told them all my Birthdays so far had been the worst days of my life? Would anyone believe if I said I have never in my life experience the sweetness of Birthdays? Would anyone think I am lying if I said to hell on earth? I am sad, and I have been.
My mother always said; "your birthdays come ill luckily. You do not just have this blessing around you. Your birthdays come and go just ordinary. I don't understand." I am grieved.
Would it not have been beautiful if anyone ever identifies with what I go through? The pain, tears, heartbreak? I am being mentally disturbed. I frequently talk to myself, hoping the life I wanted was here. It is not helping. Everything smells suicide.
I am just 20, and if I align my obstacles while growing, till now, you wouldn't believe. Have you ever been told that you will be killed for being yourself? Have your parents ever called you unfortunate and bastard child because you do not just see what they see wrong in you? Have you ever been extorted. Have you been roped naked and beaten with hose, four-mouthed whip, and belt at the same time because some people wanted you to be masculine? Have you been planked by policemen in the public because you are trying to help a victim, and you are girly? Have you suffered broken lips and eyes because you simply rested your legs on a fellow man? Has Amanda ever broadcasted you like she's done to me, calling all sorts of names, including ugly fag? Has Amanda ever disgraced you in a place as public as a school compound, tearing your clothes, and shouting "see this ugly gay o!"? Has Osas ever told you how lucky you are to not try nonsense with men like him? Has a soldier ever attacked you because you wanted everyone to know you are around? Have you ever risked telling a straight man you love him? Have you ever been deprived and taken differently? Have your friends ever slapped you and say they right because you are girly? Have you ever thought of coming out because you feel what your brother feels is sheer hatred, and you needed to come out for more awareness? Have you ever suffered an injury at the back of your leg for a month and a half, because you are gay? Suffering a deep cut that bled for two days on your temple/forehead because you have to conforn? Has your mother ever told your brother's girlfriend that you are gay? Have you attended weddings with your parents with the sole reason to change your orientation? Have you cried blood to God that you didn't want to be gay? Have you ever attempted suicide trice like I did, and was caught and whipped for trying such? Has your phone ever been seized by your parents and elder brother? Has your mother ever told your younger siblings never to be like you? Have you failed so much like I did in my Junior school to Senior school 1? Have you been attacked by friends, assuring you that they'd stab you if they found out you are what they supposed? Have your gay peeps ever shown hate at you? Have you turned insomnia because you have to help your mum sell at her bar all day through night long? It is sad! I am bittered! I vigorously damaged! This are few things that I could remember I had gone through. Now, this is another fulfilling year. I don't want to be negative, but I have to be. What will be will. Another prospect year, filled with ambiguous understanding. Filled with expected anxiety. How do I have to live? When will I live free? When? I am tortured. I have lost my virtue and my conquest as a gay man. My pride is deprived. I am mentally alone. I don't want my end now, at 20.
This is the piece I've got. I wish myself a happy birthday. I hope things get better.
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